Behind the Badge: ‘I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies’

By David Hyde, Lander Police Officer

(Lander, Wyo.) – Most County 10 readers probably recognize all us LPD Officers, due to having seen us out and about. There is one of us however that just seems to get a little more exposure than the rest. School Resource Officer Jacob “aka Jake…aka Snake” Conilogue works in the school system and probably knows everybody that is anybody just due to that fact.

Well, if you haven’t already heard by now, there is a new Conilogue amongst us, as it seems Mrs. Jake recently decided to have a baby (I suppose Jake might have been involved). Now, ordinarily the whole lady having a baby thing goes pretty much as planned… Note to Mrs. Jake.

For instance, not too long ago I was on patrol when I observed a car speeding into town on Main Street, just about at the Safeway store. I stopped the car and contacted the driver, a middle age female, and when I asked if she knew why she had been stopped, she pointed out her passenger, an obviously pregnant young lady sitting spread eagle on the passenger seat, and advised me she (the pregnant one…not the driver) was in labor. Judging by the appearance and noises coming from the young lady, it appeared to be the real thing too, not just a ploy to get out of a ticket.

Now here I could have taken two different approaches:

  1. I could have taken her license, registration, and insurance information, returned to my car, and ran all the records checks we routinely do on a traffic stop, then written either a citation or a warning, and explained all that to the driver…and then probably delivered the baby in the front seat of the car.

Or

  1. I could have taken the “I really don’t want nothin’ to do with birthin’ no baby in no car on Main Street” approach and sent her speedily on her way; I chose the latter. The gals went on their merry way to the hospital and everything was hunky dory and I wasn’t left with any mental images to contend with. What I’m getting at here is these ladies understood what was about to happen and were taking the appropriate steps. Again…Note to Mr. and Mrs. Jake.

Anyway, for some reason Mr. & Mrs. Jake decided on that fateful morning last week there was just plenty of time for Mrs. Jake to get all spruced up and ready to go the hospital and get things taken care of according to plan…not.

About 7:30 that morning the radio dispatcher notified me (and Sgt. McRae…who’s almost a doctor by the way) an ambulance had been sent to Jake’s house because the missus was in labor. Well, ok I thought, women generally go into labor before having a baby, so I’ll just swing by to offer my congrat’s and root for the home team. Bad move.

As usual I beat McRae and the ambulance to the house (a seriously rookie mistake by the way), and when I walked in the house Jake shouted “in the bathroom!!!” Fearing the worst (spot-on instincts there, folks), I went in the bathroom and there we all were, Jake standing behind and supporting a down on-the-floor Mrs. Jake, who was fresh out of the shower and doing her best (not) to have the baby right then and there. I asked Jake what he needed (again…I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies) and I don’t even recall what he said. I do remember getting clean towels and building a sort of dam around Mrs. Jake, just in case. One thing I do vividly remember was Mrs. Jake saying she felt like she needed to “push”, to which I immediately screamed “don’t push!” or something to that effect (actually I’m pretty sure I added some colorful commentary but my memory fails me here).

Finally, Sgt/Dr. McRae got there and the ambulance got there and we got Mrs. Jake all loaded up and she made it to the hospital and everything went well, if somewhat quickly.

Perhaps the most entertaining aspect of this whole ‘we are about to have a baby right here on the bathroom floor and by God you better be ready to help’ thing was Jake doing his best to keep Mrs. Jake…let’s say…“presentable”. A few days later, after the family was all home and ok, I had occasion to speak with Jake down at the P.D., and he mentioned “you know, I was doing my best to keep the missus presentable, but she let me know afterward and in no uncertain terms she didn’t really give a rats *** who saw what, she just wanted that thing OUT of her!!!”

Now that’s a girl with priorities!